Blink away snow tears

Snow can either be powdery soft, or mush. Now, i've only just said that because i believe that snow may be in two states (mush being the odd state if you ask me) but it can be whatever you want it to be.

I'm basically describing my situation for the past few days. I've felt weak and tired and not up to anything at all. Basically: mush.

But as I've said, snow can be whatever you want it to be, so I made the mush mean more to me. I'm not saying i made it nice mush, i'm just saying I tried to look at things in a different way. You realize that maybe the mush isn't really slimy and just plain wet and yucky, but it can be pleasant, in a down-your-back-really-cold-but-pleasant sort of way. All i'm saying is that, looking at things in a different light helped me see that everything isn't as bad as it seems. And that's a good thing :)

It's nice to think that powdery snow isn't what it's all about, maybe the best things in life are hidden in disguise as something you thought was unpleasant. Maybe you just have to brush of the snowflakes clinging to your eyelashes and blink away the snow tears, and you'll see that everything, in fact, is just fine. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Forlorn ink

I've been stuck on my poetry for a while now, just writing and writing because my life feels empty and there's nothing there but to write. i need to hold on to me beloved letters and words that i've penned down with immaculate handwriting and great care and effort, checking my references and studying my sources. My desk is just piled high with books of old English verse, Shakespeares complete works, different modern poets and all the old ones. I've looked up verse from different countries, read poetry from so many different languages that i didn't understand. It just flowed and looked and sounded beautiful. Poetry is my life and i think if i couldn't write down what i feel i wouldn't know what to do. Everything would be bottled inside me and i would be closed up and blank. i'd have nothing to say to or to feel.

when i write i feel through words. But i find myself incapable of writing positive things. i just can't write happy. Nice words don't come out. Does that reflect what i always feel, or am i just writing with forlorn ink? But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Crushed wings

Okay, so you know that feeling you get when you were so excited to see someone and then for some reason they can't come? Yeah, THAT feeling. Sort of like mixing disappointment with anger, or being let down and hurt at the same time, or mixing 'totally pissed' with 'WTF?'. Anger? Depression? Hurt? Disappointed? No. Bitter. Bitter fits it quite well. All those floaty butterflies are twitching at the bottom of my mind with crushed wings.

But when i got the call and that person told me that they won't be able to make it, i just said oh okay and said 'it's okay, i'm just hungry anyway, so i only really wanted to go and eat' and made a joke about it. Convinced myself that it was okay. I convince myself of a lot of things that aren't true... i tell myself things are alright when they're not, or convince myself that things are going good when in truth it's all a terrible fiasco. All to keep the balance in my life. It pretty much works out fine for me :D or am I just convincing myself that it's fine? But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Butterflies in my mind

Once upon a time there was my brain. It's still there. We lived happily ever after.

Okay, enough of the useless chit-chat... :P i know i'm being silly, i think i've relaxed waaay too much... *sigh*... or should i say *giggle*?? :D

But do you know the feeling you get when you haven't seen someone for a long time and you're about to meet? and all you can think about is if they've changed and what the hell you'll say to eachother and will it be the same as way back?

Weell maybe i'm over-exaggerating (sp?) i mean, it hasn't been THAT long, but it is a long time. Enough for people to change... i hope things haven't changed too much... but i'm still excited!! i just want to burst and all i'm thinking of is thoughts... I'm SERIOUS!! i'm thinking "what am i thinking?" or "why am i thinking this thought?" and "what SHOULD i be thinking?" and asking myself 'thought' questions... i guess i really AM insane, but i'm insane AND excited :3

And i've got butterflies in my stomach, or is my stomach feeling funny because i didn't eat breakfast? or maybe it's not in my stomach... maybe because of all my crazy thoughts i've gotten butterflies in my mind and they're fluttering around, phsycotic (:P), wild and free... but still so colourful and beautiful... But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Thoughts of tissue

I've been calming down lately and sort of mellowing out, which really gets me in a good mood and i feel so relaxed :) coffee always helps, i've eased up on it since i've been heavy on the caffiene for a bit, but once i can get myself a small drink, curl up and just chill, i'll be in heaven. Which i've been through quite a few times now. At least i've been getting enough sleep and now that the house is cleared out and practically no one's at home, i can rest for a few days. i'm feeling relaxed, i'm just about to get a cup of coffee (i knoooow i said i've eased up, but this is my first one today since i woke up :D) and i think i'll just chill and listen to music and clear my head, like all my thoughts are made from tissue and they're so light and fluffy and they just float away from my mind... i reeeeally needed this vacation. it's gonna serve me well, i know it. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Biggest weights

I wish i could be a kid again. So much freedom. One thing I envy about kids is their naïvety. They can blissfully reside in not knowing anything... not a care in the world. No worries, no responsibilites... just running free and doing whatever they want. I mean, look at it this way: if you do something - anything - as a kid, even if it's something stupid, it's considered cute. Now, if you were grown up and you did something like that, people would go, "damn, you're dumb"

Get it?

Kids have the luxury of no reponsibilities. One of the biggest weights in my life is resonsiblity. i had the misfortune of picking up that unfortunate habit at an early age. Doing this, in charge of that, sorting things out for people. And it stuck. I have more responsiblity than i know what to do with. and then i have to keep them. noooo way van i ever let go of my responsibilities, that's dumb. I know i'm starting to talk gibberish, i just ate lunch two seconds ago and i'm feeling drowsy. I think i might go for my afternoon nap, but this is coming from a Lesser Being

So why should we care?

Just a paper bag

Maybe I'm moaning too much about my life? Maybe I complain too much? Maybe I’m the type of person that just sits around and mopes about and complains all the time. I’ve been thinking of how my posts are all complaint after complaint after disapproval after anger after sorrow. Does it stop? Will I ever really be happy with my life? I mean, I can’t go on like this forever, can I? I’m just saying…

But people see me as a perky happy person who’s serious at the right times but never depressed. A friend came to me the other day and said, “You know, I can’t imagine you ever being sad or depressed.” And someone in my class said “Do you ever NOT smile?” Figures. I can hide it that well? To an extent that people I see daily don’t notice? I’m sorry for saying this, but… I’m good! How do I manage that? Well it’s not even a question. I have to anyway. People might have seen me when I’m angry, but never when I’m sad. Or depressed. I never tell anyone about it. The thing is, everyone knows me to be the strong person and I can’t show that I’m weak and vulnerable at times. Because if I do everything collapses. Because people need me to be strong for them when they’re not. And if I let it slip, they’re gonna think the world’s ending tomorrow…

But it’s not true, that mask that I wear. That happy happy nice face I put on everyday. That smiling jumpy girl who laughs at everything and is rarely in a bad mood. It’s just a paper bag I put over my head to hide my true feelings…

Well, that’s not entirely true either. I am a happy person, I do like to laugh and see the positive side of things, but the thing is, I can’t ever show that there’s another side to me. I can’t show people that there’s someone inside me that feels and hurts because then I become weak and exposed. It’s letting my guard down and actually being human, and I can’t do that. I can’t show that I get hurt and that I feel more than just anger, but also sorrow and sadness and worry. It’s not like me, but this is coming from a Lesser Being…

So why should we care?

Plural of me

I'm so so so so so so tired. I'm tired in every way possible. Mostly I'm mentally exhausted and can't think about a thing. I'm so sick of people, really. I could be considered a social person since i like to hang out with people and talk, but also i'm just sick and tired of people. I want to at least find someone who's not incompetant, has a sense of responsibilty, doesn't depend on me, doesn't expect anything from me, doesn't need me to do anything or say anything, doesn't cause a fuss, doesn't preach to me and lecture me, doesn't tell me what to do, doesn't contradict me and judge me, doesn't annoy me intentionally... I'm setting the bar pretty high, aren't i?

I mean, I could never find someone like that, because then they'd be a robot, not a person. From what I've seen, everyone wants something from me or needs me to do something or other, or tells me what to do and judges me. Can you be human if you dont do these things? I'm just tired of people taking out their anger on me. I'm tired of people expecting so much from me. I keep being told that i don't do things to my full potential when I've put in heart and soul into the things that i do. it's like people can't accept the amount of effort I put into things. Somehow they believe that there's more, when there isn't. They think I can conquer the world and do everything. Well, I can't. I'm only human.

But people expect so much out of me. Me, the person who's under everyone's service. You want something, go to her, she can do it!! That's what everyone's saying about me. But sometimes people don't realize the things i do for them. They think things were just set out like that, not put there and planned. That's because I quietly go and do things behind the scenes, sometimes without being asked, always never complaining. Considering how much I'm sick of people, I'm pretty tolerant. I keep on going, doing so many things at once it's unbelievable. Multi-tasking so much it's like there's a plural of me... And I never ask for recognition or praise. Because I know I won't get it. So I keep quiet and just continue doing what I do. Because that's what I do. Keep people happy and satisfied. Set everything right. And I'm sick of it. But I can't just stop because it's not allowed. I'm never allowed. And i'm SICK of it. Drop dead sick. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?