And this is coming from a Lesser Being

Blink away snow tears

2006-08-07T03:54:00.000+04:00

Snow can either be powdery soft, or mush. Now, i've only just said that because i believe that snow may be in two states (mush being the odd state if you ask me) but it can be whatever you want it to be.

I'm basically describing my situation for the past few days. I've felt weak and tired and not up to anything at all. Basically: mush.

But as I've said, snow can be whatever you want it to be, so I made the mush mean more to me. I'm not saying i made it nice mush, i'm just saying I tried to look at things in a different way. You realize that maybe the mush isn't really slimy and just plain wet and yucky, but it can be pleasant, in a down-your-back-really-cold-but-pleasant sort of way. All i'm saying is that, looking at things in a different light helped me see that everything isn't as bad as it seems. And that's a good thing :)

It's nice to think that powdery snow isn't what it's all about, maybe the best things in life are hidden in disguise as something you thought was unpleasant. Maybe you just have to brush of the snowflakes clinging to your eyelashes and blink away the snow tears, and you'll see that everything, in fact, is just fine. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Forlorn ink

2006-07-23T22:46:00.000+04:00

I've been stuck on my poetry for a while now, just writing and writing because my life feels empty and there's nothing there but to write. i need to hold on to me beloved letters and words that i've penned down with immaculate handwriting and great care and effort, checking my references and studying my sources. My desk is just piled high with books of old English verse, Shakespeares complete works, different modern poets and all the old ones. I've looked up verse from different countries, read poetry from so many different languages that i didn't understand. It just flowed and looked and sounded beautiful. Poetry is my life and i think if i couldn't write down what i feel i wouldn't know what to do. Everything would be bottled inside me and i would be closed up and blank. i'd have nothing to say to or to feel.

when i write i feel through words. But i find myself incapable of writing positive things. i just can't write happy. Nice words don't come out. Does that reflect what i always feel, or am i just writing with forlorn ink? But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Crushed wings

2006-07-18T11:41:00.000+04:00

Okay, so you know that feeling you get when you were so excited to see someone and then for some reason they can't come? Yeah, THAT feeling. Sort of like mixing disappointment with anger, or being let down and hurt at the same time, or mixing 'totally pissed' with 'WTF?'. Anger? Depression? Hurt? Disappointed? No. Bitter. Bitter fits it quite well. All those floaty butterflies are twitching at the bottom of my mind with crushed wings.

But when i got the call and that person told me that they won't be able to make it, i just said oh okay and said 'it's okay, i'm just hungry anyway, so i only really wanted to go and eat' and made a joke about it. Convinced myself that it was okay. I convince myself of a lot of things that aren't true... i tell myself things are alright when they're not, or convince myself that things are going good when in truth it's all a terrible fiasco. All to keep the balance in my life. It pretty much works out fine for me :D or am I just convincing myself that it's fine? But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Butterflies in my mind

2006-07-18T09:54:00.000+04:00

Once upon a time there was my brain. It's still there. We lived happily ever after.

Okay, enough of the useless chit-chat... :P i know i'm being silly, i think i've relaxed waaay too much... *sigh*... or should i say *giggle*?? :D

But do you know the feeling you get when you haven't seen someone for a long time and you're about to meet? and all you can think about is if they've changed and what the hell you'll say to eachother and will it be the same as way back?

Weell maybe i'm over-exaggerating (sp?) i mean, it hasn't been THAT long, but it is a long time. Enough for people to change... i hope things haven't changed too much... but i'm still excited!! i just want to burst and all i'm thinking of is thoughts... I'm SERIOUS!! i'm thinking "what am i thinking?" or "why am i thinking this thought?" and "what SHOULD i be thinking?" and asking myself 'thought' questions... i guess i really AM insane, but i'm insane AND excited :3

And i've got butterflies in my stomach, or is my stomach feeling funny because i didn't eat breakfast? or maybe it's not in my stomach... maybe because of all my crazy thoughts i've gotten butterflies in my mind and they're fluttering around, phsycotic (:P), wild and free... but still so colourful and beautiful... But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Thoughts of tissue

2006-07-16T12:24:00.000+04:00

I've been calming down lately and sort of mellowing out, which really gets me in a good mood and i feel so relaxed :) coffee always helps, i've eased up on it since i've been heavy on the caffiene for a bit, but once i can get myself a small drink, curl up and just chill, i'll be in heaven. Which i've been through quite a few times now. At least i've been getting enough sleep and now that the house is cleared out and practically no one's at home, i can rest for a few days. i'm feeling relaxed, i'm just about to get a cup of coffee (i knoooow i said i've eased up, but this is my first one today since i woke up :D) and i think i'll just chill and listen to music and clear my head, like all my thoughts are made from tissue and they're so light and fluffy and they just float away from my mind... i reeeeally needed this vacation. it's gonna serve me well, i know it. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Biggest weights

2006-07-10T13:50:00.000+04:00

I wish i could be a kid again. So much freedom. One thing I envy about kids is their naïvety. They can blissfully reside in not knowing anything... not a care in the world. No worries, no responsibilites... just running free and doing whatever they want. I mean, look at it this way: if you do something - anything - as a kid, even if it's something stupid, it's considered cute. Now, if you were grown up and you did something like that, people would go, "damn, you're dumb"

Get it?

Kids have the luxury of no reponsibilities. One of the biggest weights in my life is resonsiblity. i had the misfortune of picking up that unfortunate habit at an early age. Doing this, in charge of that, sorting things out for people. And it stuck. I have more responsiblity than i know what to do with. and then i have to keep them. noooo way van i ever let go of my responsibilities, that's dumb. I know i'm starting to talk gibberish, i just ate lunch two seconds ago and i'm feeling drowsy. I think i might go for my afternoon nap, but this is coming from a Lesser Being

So why should we care?

Just a paper bag

2006-07-09T15:48:00.000+04:00

Maybe I'm moaning too much about my life? Maybe I complain too much? Maybe I’m the type of person that just sits around and mopes about and complains all the time. I’ve been thinking of how my posts are all complaint after complaint after disapproval after anger after sorrow. Does it stop? Will I ever really be happy with my life? I mean, I can’t go on like this forever, can I? I’m just saying…

But people see me as a perky happy person who’s serious at the right times but never depressed. A friend came to me the other day and said, “You know, I can’t imagine you ever being sad or depressed.” And someone in my class said “Do you ever NOT smile?” Figures. I can hide it that well? To an extent that people I see daily don’t notice? I’m sorry for saying this, but… I’m good! How do I manage that? Well it’s not even a question. I have to anyway. People might have seen me when I’m angry, but never when I’m sad. Or depressed. I never tell anyone about it. The thing is, everyone knows me to be the strong person and I can’t show that I’m weak and vulnerable at times. Because if I do everything collapses. Because people need me to be strong for them when they’re not. And if I let it slip, they’re gonna think the world’s ending tomorrow…

But it’s not true, that mask that I wear. That happy happy nice face I put on everyday. That smiling jumpy girl who laughs at everything and is rarely in a bad mood. It’s just a paper bag I put over my head to hide my true feelings…

Well, that’s not entirely true either. I am a happy person, I do like to laugh and see the positive side of things, but the thing is, I can’t ever show that there’s another side to me. I can’t show people that there’s someone inside me that feels and hurts because then I become weak and exposed. It’s letting my guard down and actually being human, and I can’t do that. I can’t show that I get hurt and that I feel more than just anger, but also sorrow and sadness and worry. It’s not like me, but this is coming from a Lesser Being…

So why should we care?

Plural of me

2006-07-08T13:42:00.000+04:00

I'm so so so so so so tired. I'm tired in every way possible. Mostly I'm mentally exhausted and can't think about a thing. I'm so sick of people, really. I could be considered a social person since i like to hang out with people and talk, but also i'm just sick and tired of people. I want to at least find someone who's not incompetant, has a sense of responsibilty, doesn't depend on me, doesn't expect anything from me, doesn't need me to do anything or say anything, doesn't cause a fuss, doesn't preach to me and lecture me, doesn't tell me what to do, doesn't contradict me and judge me, doesn't annoy me intentionally... I'm setting the bar pretty high, aren't i?

I mean, I could never find someone like that, because then they'd be a robot, not a person. From what I've seen, everyone wants something from me or needs me to do something or other, or tells me what to do and judges me. Can you be human if you dont do these things? I'm just tired of people taking out their anger on me. I'm tired of people expecting so much from me. I keep being told that i don't do things to my full potential when I've put in heart and soul into the things that i do. it's like people can't accept the amount of effort I put into things. Somehow they believe that there's more, when there isn't. They think I can conquer the world and do everything. Well, I can't. I'm only human.

But people expect so much out of me. Me, the person who's under everyone's service. You want something, go to her, she can do it!! That's what everyone's saying about me. But sometimes people don't realize the things i do for them. They think things were just set out like that, not put there and planned. That's because I quietly go and do things behind the scenes, sometimes without being asked, always never complaining. Considering how much I'm sick of people, I'm pretty tolerant. I keep on going, doing so many things at once it's unbelievable. Multi-tasking so much it's like there's a plural of me... And I never ask for recognition or praise. Because I know I won't get it. So I keep quiet and just continue doing what I do. Because that's what I do. Keep people happy and satisfied. Set everything right. And I'm sick of it. But I can't just stop because it's not allowed. I'm never allowed. And i'm SICK of it. Drop dead sick. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Jagged strings

2006-07-06T00:49:00.000+04:00

Not another post in the middle of the night... oh well, what can i do? i've been pissed at everything lately. My natural expression now is a permenant frown line in the middle of my forehead. i swear it's just dug deep into my head and all i do at home is frown. when someone tells me to do something i frown. i'm just ticked off and somehow stretched to my limit. i dont even know what it is that's bugging me, but there's something that's angering me, like the "strings in my heart" have suddenly gone jagged and the more they're plucked at, the more i bleed...

I dont feel like writing this right now, i might republish this post sometime later when i'm in the mood, but then again, i might not. I might leave it as it is, but this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Speed of dark

2006-07-05T10:30:00.000+04:00

I've been so busy lately I can't even think. I'm sick of thinking, it just leads to things that shouldnt be thought of or things that shouldn't happen. I was looking back at my old posts and i nearly laughed. the "angels with the eyelashes"?? Well he's gone. I'm having a bit of trouble with my friends, i'm having trouble with everything really. I thought i finally got my life in order but in the end I just ended up being lost and confused. I don't know what I want or what satisfies me. I want to just close my eyes and open them and realize that everything and everyone's disappeared. I've been told that I change too much. Or that I change too fast. I mean, no one stays the same forever, but i change more than most. in a week, i'm a new person, in a month, i've been five different people and have been through so many experiences - both good AND bad. I want to know who I am. I dont even know it when i change, i dont realize that i'm acting differently until it hits me in the face. I mean, who am i really? If i keep changing so much, who did I start out as? Why am I changing anyway? So many questions that revolve around everything i do and everything i pretend to be or what i really am. Nevermind the speed of light, at the rate i'm going i've probably discovered the speed of dark and passed it already, being so many people in such short spans of time.

But i'm not saying I have multiple personalities, it's just that i dont seem to settle down. I can't be satisfied with one thing, with one state, with one mind. I jsut want to let go of all of it and breath for a second. The problem is that i have friends who know me or depend on me or spend time with me and talk to me and are close to me and whatever the hell else a friend is and does. For once i want to be a nobody, instead of being the person who always has to be the sane one, the responsible one, the one in charge and the one depended on half the time, i want to be the nobody or someone that no one knows. Which is why i actually go online, post in forums, actually make this blog. Because no one knows me online, no one can contradict me, judge me in what i say and what i do. No one can tell me what to do or what to feel. I'm a stranger who people can ignore. The reason i never gave my blog link to anyone i know... just so I can be ignored, be a nobody. It gives me a relief when people online leave me the heck alone. So i can relax and just sit quietly and think. So i can post my thoughts and my writings for me, for myself. Not for praise and judgment, but just for myself. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Vortex of swirling cottonballs

2006-07-03T00:42:00.000+04:00

So much has happened to me in the past month or so, and through that i've felt like i've been blessed, like i'm a hooker, like i'm pure, like i'm unlucky and like i'm torn in two.

oooh yes, SO much has happened. so much that i dont want to remember, or think or feel or taste or touch or hear or anything... i want all feelings to be taken away from me so that i dont have to have a care in the world or think about anything. so that life becomes one endless day after another and it's like a long endless dream. i wish i wish it was like that. because i wouldnt have to feel and experience things that are useless and petty. i wouldn't have to worry about being happy or sad or angry. i wouldnt have to feel passion and lust and hatred. it would just be me living my life without worry, my mind just a blank empty vortex of swirling cottonballs, just floating about my head, not a care in the world.

That's what would me life simple and easy, but this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

The strings in my heart...

2006-04-18T17:23:00.000+04:00

It's REALLY been a while now, and i'm feeling all mixed up inside. Like i've eaten loads and i don't know whether i've had enough or i'm still hungry. I dont know if I'm happy or sad or nervous or anything. The most amazing thing has happened to me, as i've gotten together with an angel, a real angel :) i love you sweetie!!

But dispite that, something is bugging me, my closest friend, my blood, my core... is depressed, and i feel so helpless like i can't do anything about it, because i can't. and somehow i feel like we're getting more and more distant by the day. Like we can't talk anymore... like I can't talk anymore. It depresses me too, and the thing is, depressed in a way that i'm feeling like i've lost something... i have no idea what, and i don't know what to do about it... but i can't let it get to me too much. i'm not saying that it means nothing to me, so i'll just let it go, just saying that i have to accept things sometimes, because i have a hard time doing that...

And i'm still thinking about my angel :P with the most amazing eyelashes history has ever seen... oddly enough, it's the first thing i noticed. i'm wierd, i know. with all this confusion of posotive and negative feelings, i dont know if i should forget my own happiness because it's selfish and think about my friend's or if i shouldn't worry and depress myself over something i have no power over, something that would make me seem like i'm drowning in melancholy... but "the strings in my heart are being plucked at violently" (that's quoting a song, mind you) and the rhythem sounds just perfect in a sweet sorrowful way, like i'm dancing to a forbidden tune, enjoying something while i have other loyalties... i'm SO confused. At least i have my other friends who will always guide me. And i'm thankful. S i love u!! You've been the biggest help, and i'm so glad we're close again :)

Oh, and the pic describes exactly how i feel with my sweet sweet angel :) there'll be more of pon and zi aorund, i think... But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

The hourglass was missing some parts...

2006-03-11T13:41:00.000+04:00

I haven't written in a while and it sorta feels alien to me, like i have nothing to say. Thinking up a title was was hard enough... but I'll go to the first topic that comes to mind... i'm going to the best university in the world for my region of interest and no one is stopping me. I'm just feeling like i need to burst... but time has stopped for me, my hourglass is missing some parts - the grains of sand to be exact. Short and sweet, no piccies coz i'm not bothered. Some other time? But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

Like graphite on charcoal

2006-03-02T15:57:00.000+04:00

My head is spinning... i dunno, i expected last night to be... well i dont really know if i expected anything out of last night.

i thought that something was gonna happen, and the thing is, i should have been excited, i SHOULD have, but i wasn't. i didn't get any tingles, i didn't get any rushes, just like this hammer that kepy thumping in my head sending the same message over and over everytime it hit. And i wasn't really that fazed at all...

but after a while i realized what i wanted wasn't there, but i was still happy. i still got something good. it reminded me of graphite on charcoal... dark, wrong at the sound of it, but at a certain angle, it's just right. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

The ground will turn to silver...

2006-02-25T17:08:00.000+04:00

Mmm... the rain gives me a false sense of releaf.

Notice i said FALSE.

When i heard about the rain i was thinking of one person who i truly wished could be right beside me... I did really feel that i could be free and alive for just one moment... that maybe if i closed my eyes and let the rain pour over me for a while i would open them and things would be just right for a tidbit of a second... even if just a tidbit.

It was dark for a while and the whole world was in a standstill... or i thought it was. The air smelt like wood swollen from rain (which was exactly what it was) and the air was also damp and thick, the water was gushing from places that it flooded and i just wanted to open my arms wide and let the sky take me with all its raindrops, and fall to the ground, where all my run-down thoughts will turn the ground silver. I wanted to be so free, I wanted to just leave this place behind and only take a select few with me...

No... the rain lasted while it could and every time I looked at it I felt sad that i wasn't part of that raging storm, that i wasn't out there just standing in the drak and cold. But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

so why should we care?

Harshmellows

2006-02-24T18:38:00.000+04:00

Yes, I do like harshmellows... but NOT in my own life.

I had the busiest weekend of my life, and i'm NOT about to take more harshmellows in my life...

YES YES, i CAN see all of you with your confused faces, and i WILL take the time to explain what harshmellows are, so let me have some time first to absorb my many harshmellows, and then i'll tell you... since this is just going to be short and sweet, this'll be without prettying up and pics. But this is coming from a Lesser Being

So why should we care?

My hair bursts into flame

2006-02-21T10:57:00.000+04:00

So many thoughts, so many thoughts, way too many confusions, way too many nasty thoughts and horrible things to think about.

And always i have a blank mind about all these crazy things happening to me can't my life slow down for a second?? Can't i have two SECONDS in my life where things aren't hectic and i don't have to worry about some MORE crap that's happening to me??!

I think about this soo much that my brain is exploding... and i've been thinking way too much about things, my brain is racing, my brain is twisting, my brain is overheating to the point that my hair bursts into flame!!!

I can't think of what to do, I'm getting sick and tired of things, but this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?

The sun will rise on me standing upsidedown

2006-02-21T05:57:00.000+04:00

I feel very weird and out of place... maybe coz it's a God-forsaken hour in the morning, and maybe it's the fact that i feel like being brutally blunt with someone until i've told every brutally honest truth there is!

But NO, i'm weird and i CANT do that coz i'll hurt people's feelings, so maybe i'll just step on some kids and relieve my stress... but i can't do THAT either! nooooo i'm just the odd one out, the person with the weird thoughts, the one who's just not like everybody else!! I'm just surprised that the sun doesn't rise on me standing upside down... maybe that's how weird i am. But seriously, i know i'm insane! But this is coming from a Lesser Being...

so why should we care?

My life, the thing with the spear sticking out of it

2006-02-20T17:42:00.000+04:00

When I think of the things that I could be doing now at this very minute, i feel like throwing up. Not that there's anything "sick" with my thoughts, it's just i can't find out the reason WHY i'm thinking some of these things... Like, at this moment, i could be smoking a joint and making out with some hot guy...

But the thing is, do i REALLY want to do this? i don't know... smoking a joint, NO but smoking a cig...? it's a thought, ONLY a thought. Yeah right, that's what i convince myself of. I want this and i want that... but it's not gonna happen, not in my messed up stupid life...

Yeah, my life is stupid, just a big chunk of insanity that someone threw something at and now i've gone loco coz it got stuck. So if you're looking for my life, it's that thing with the spear sticking out of it, coz it's not coming out... but this is coming from a Lesser Being

...so why should we care?

Since when did the sky bring me cookies?

2006-02-19T17:47:00.000+04:00

Oh, i ALWAYS knew that i'd never get anything right, because i seem to be doing something wrong along the way...

i really think that my family is messed up and my friends are weird, and i just want to cut a little hole in the air and jump through it into some other world... JUST like the Subtle Knife and to go places and do things and meet people... amazing people...

I'd like life to go the way i want it to, and i don't think it's gonna happen, but since when did the sky bring me cookies? I'll tell you when... never. It might happen one day... maybe in a patch of my life thats nice...

but this is coming from a Lesser Being...

So why should we care?